New Year's Resolve
What a year 2017 has been. Some regard this year as the worst yet, but I like to think of it as a year of learning and growth. Both of which tend to make us feel uncomfortable. They require us to be outside of our comfort zone; placing thoughts and obstacles that we otherwise would like to forget about, so we push them down and away. If we don't acknowledge challenges in our lives, then they don't exist, right?
Wrong.
They gain power from our ignorance. They dig their hooks deeper into your heart and your mind, further integrating themselves into our consciousness. It slowly becomes the only thing we can think about. Obsessively, it takes over our every waking thought, leaving you exhausted and dejected.
This year, I have battled depression on and off. Since leaving for college three years ago, this is something I have suffered through, but this year was exceptionally tough for me. It is something that, during those dark moments, I was afraid to talk about. I fell into the trap of thinking that my problems and my dejected mental state would be a burden to those I could confide in. My mind would twist into a vicious cycle of desperately wanting to feel like my old self. I literally couldn't find the desire to do things that I normally enjoyed, and that really messed with my psyche. There wasn't a specific moment in time that was the catalyst for my depression, but it was a slow progression into negative thoughts about myself and lack of feeling.
I constantly felt like I was drowning. Chains had a vice-like grip on my ankles, and I was being dragged down to the cold, watery depths. But the more I struggled against them, and tried to pretend that I was fine, the faster I sank. I was becoming a hollow shell of the person that I once was, it it terrified me to the core.
I had to make a change. I needed to take ahold of the circumstances that were facilitating my downward spiral and change the trajectory of my life. I had to retrain my brain to replace the negative views of myself, with the ones that were healthy, positive, and ultimately, true. Once I left a place reminding me of my struggles, surrounded myself with supportive and loving people, and set my intentions of my mental health, I felt the chains break free.
So what does this have to do with the new year? I have never been the person to indulge in New Year's resolutions. I just don't like the idea of picking a resolution that holds little meaning other than having an answer when someone asks during the first week of January.
That's where my New Year's Resolve comes into play. I wanted to use a different term that has more heft and conviction. The word "Resolve" means to decide firmly on a course of action. I wanted to make a vow to myself, that I would seek this resolve to take ahold of my life, and my actions, towards a happier and healthier state of mind. Now, I'm not saying that I am going to succeed at this every single day, but my aim is uphold my resolve, and to strive towards it every single day. Focusing on a healthier life will be my inspiration for 2018. And I hope that you too can find what it is that you want to change about your life, and have the courage to chase after it with passion, zeal, and total abandon.
If I can leave you with one piece of advice, it would be to not live your life in fear. I did for so long; I let my debilitating state of mind keep me quiet, and that was something that pulled my further and further down in the depths. Once you take your own power back, and laugh in the face of fear, you will finally be free. You will feel liberated within yourself. And that is what I look forward to the most in 2018.
Thank you for allowing me to share my journey this past year, and I hope you all walk into a beautiful and fearless 2018.
-Emily
